Pissed and in Pain

Yesterday, I had a little procedure done at the hospital. They gave me two cortizone injections into my spine - for which, in turn, they gave me two days off of work to relax and let the medication work it's job. My husband seems to have had other things in mind.
Although I had repeatedly told him how much I was looking forward to finally being able to sleep in this morning (I had school and work over the weekenend), it didn't seem to matter much. When I asked him to take the dogs out this morning for me, he made it very clear that he didn't have the time and that I was going to have to get up and do it myself - also knowing that I'm one of those people that once I get up, there's no way I'll ever get back to sleep. So, I took them out- and then (since he was running so late), he found the time to yell at me for being lazy and not getting the house cleaned or the laundry done fast enough - although I'm sure he meant "for not cleaning and doing the laundry in the 3 minutes a day that your back isn't in excruciating pain". Whatever.
So, I've done a few loads of laundry, re-organized the pantry, cleaned our bedroom, ect- a short list, but you have to understand that I was without power for 3 hours and couldn't vaccuum and stuff. Hope this pleases his majesty.

Finding Myself

Usually I feel like I'm living two different lives- but lately, I feel like I've been living like 4 of them. Obviously, there's the weight-obsessed/ where can I find a bathroom life that only people who know me as "Smaller" can either know about or understand. Then there's the workaholic - where at work I'm known as the super-organized super-all together person who has everything under control at all times. Then, at home, when it's just me and the hubby, I'm the lazy watch-tv girl. At home, when we have friends over, I'm the Martha Stewart of the bunch. Oh, and lets not forget the golden granddaughter, successful daughter, straight-A student, ect ect. I feel like the all the different personalities I've created for myself are not crushing me.
I really think that's one of the reasons I haven't been on here as much lately, it's just another person that I sometimes don't have time to be.
Today, I woke up and I just knew I couldn't get through work today. Long story short, I called in sick so that I could just sit back and relax. The problem is, when you play all of these different roles- I'm not sure who I am when I'm by myself.

An A in Math?

The funniest joke I've heard in a long time? The fact that I passed my math class, and got an A at that. Who'da thunk it!?!
So, other than that I'm sorry for being MIA for so long- the sad truth though is that I really just don't have much to talk about. I've been going to work and then just coming straight home to lay down (on my back again...)and rest my aching back. On a good note, I've really been doing well with my food intake (/outtake :) )I've been marking my weight down every morning onto my calendar and I'm happy to say that every day it's been down a little. Of course, it's only a very little, but I'll take what I can get- usually like 4/10ths of a lb.
Anyway, sorry this is so lame, but really that's all I've got going on. Send me some ideas for more thinspo! Love you guys!

La De Da

Well, I'm happy to report that life is still at least going okay since my last post. I'm not saying that everything has been hunky-dory, but it hasn't been horrible.
Saturday, I finished my ten week math class and took my final. I was happy to find that my final exam was only 20 questions, and they were all multiple choice! Who ever gets a multiple choice test in math? It was great. Another good thing was that I was able to get through the test - because my back probably wouldn't have lasted for the 50+ question I was expecting.
Immediately after the test, I went home and my hubby took me straight to the ER (just as I had "scheduled" it for the day). After a few hours, they finally got around to giving me some dilotin (sp?) which according to the nurse is something like 10x stronger than morphine. After that, I wasn't feeling much of anything, let alone pain shooting down my legs :)
Okay, so last little bit of cool news, I've been going to this one college for a while just because they have a really easy-going online school. I was planning on transferring this fall to another school for nursing- but now, it turns out that the school I've been going to will be opening their nursing program this fall. Perfect timing!
So, last but not least- today. My back was just as bad as the day I threw it out, so that just kinda sucks. What'cha gonna do though right?

Normalicity

For the first time in weeks, I'm feeling like my life is coming back to a state of normal. The pain of the miscarriage is passing and I'm starting to give in to future hopes of children again. Our new puppy is bringing joy to our family the same way that her sister did before her, and work is something I look forward to everyday. In fact, at work, I've been receivng more and more praise lately and it means a lot to me to feel like I can at least be the best at something, even if it is just work.
I also haven't weighted myself in like a week, but i'm pretty sure that I haven't gained. Nothing is fitting any differently. At first it was really hard for me not to run into the scale, but as a few days passed I realized I was becoming more and more relaxed. Hehe, funny part of that is that I can't wait to go back on the scale tomorrow morning (my timeline that i had given myself). In fact, i've got a new plan..hehe...evil grin. I bought a calendar- a cute one with shoes on it. I've got it hung up on the wall in the storage closet right above my scaled. Every day I'll be writing my weight on the calendar, that way I can see how my weight will fluctuate throughout the week and month. Oh, and I'll have my thinspo hidden in a box in the closet too!
Oh, for once I feel like my life is moving forward in a good way. I really hope this feeling lasts, at least throughout the week. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

For the record....

yes, we lost the baby, but it didn't have to do with my ED. I know there are people who are going to read this blog and think "how can she be surprised when she's doing that to her body". For the record, as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was worried about the weight gain, but shortly after I realized that a healthy baby was more important to me than my weight. I could always lose it after. During the weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I ate perfectly healthy; fruits, veggies, lots of water, and light exercise.
So, if you're of the impression that I did this to myself and my family- Screw You! If you knew anything about me, you'd know that my love of children will always outweigh my self-esteem and body image issues.

The world seems to be against me

My life feels like a horrible country western song. First, last month I threw out my back. Then, last week our puppy died. I thought things were finally looking up when after months of trying my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first child. Well, when it rains it pours and it's obvious that God is punishing me for something.
I woke up this morning to find that I had a miscarriage. I spent four hours at the hospital, and although the doctor was really sweet, it took all I had not to lose it in front of everyone there.
I hate being emotional in front of people. I hate people knowing what's going on in my head at all. It was so hard to walk out of the hospital, let alone the ob area, seeing women everywhere either pregnant or with their newborn babies. I just wanted to stand up and tell them all how I hated them and that they weren't any better than I am just because they were able to keep their pregnancies and hold their babies in their hands.
That's why I love blogging so much. I can say the things here that I can't say out in public without feeling like a crazy person. So, in the spirit of saying all the things on here that I can't say in public, here it goes: I hate you skinny people, I hate you pregnant ladies, and I hate that I'm not you.
Well, they say that bad things happen in three's, so here's to hoping this is the end of the bad stuff for me.

I'm gonna be a Mommy!

Oh, it's been a crazy weekend! I've been feeling super tired lately and so on Friday I decided to go over to medical and have a blood test done. Sure enough, it was positive- I'm pregnant! Yippie! I went to the store and bought some baby socks, then took them home and told my husband I had gotten something- he was so stunned and happy!
Last night I was so exhausted that I went to bed at like 6pm, so I was up at like 6:30 this morning and I was like "eww, we can go to the garage sales!". So, I got up, showered, and got ready to go.....until I heard the sirens outside. It turns out that we were under a tsunami warning almost all day- until about 1:30pm. Luckily though, everything was fine. There were certainly some waves, but nothing huge or crazy.
So, now I'm off to bed again! Oh, man I'm exhausted. Oh, by the way- I'm 3 weeks, 1 day along- so my due date is November 10th. At least now when I purge after I eat no one wonders anything- they just think that it's pregnancy sickness- hehe.
My goal is to only gain 10-15lbs during these coming nine months. In fact, I'd love to loose weight, but I know that's not healthy. The way I see it is that I've got fat to lose, so why can't I just "trade" the weight (lose fat, gain baby) and end up being even? That could work, right? I am certainly going to keep working on my arms and back though- the last thing I want to do is be a fat pregnant woman- you know the ones that people can't tell if they're having a baby or if they're just that big?
Alright, we'll it's time for me to pass out- I can barely keep my eyes open!

Getting large again

Ugh, sorry it's been so long since I last blogged. As always, there's been a lot going on. I've been going to physical therapy for my back three times a week, I finally got more of the house unpacked and almost "presentable", and.... we got a new puppy! I'll have to put a pic up somewhere. She's our second boxer and we named her Megara - Meg for short- as in the wife of Hercules (our other boxer). She's adorable, but something's not quite right- as of this morning her little tummy is upset. She's been throwing up and having "bathroom problems", and now she's not eating. She hasn't been playing at all today and her already thin frame is now looking scarily thin. We went through a similar thing with Hercules, but it turned out to be because he ate something bad. Because of what we went through with Hercules, we've been super super careful about watching her to make sure she didn't get into anything bad.
Why am I going on and on about this? Because the truly sad thing is that when I look at her and see how sick she looks, I'm jealous. I wish my bones showed the way that hers do. The last two weeks have been tough for me - going out to dinner with parents when they were here, not to mention not being able to bend over to purge, I feel like I've gained tons of weight.
Tonight, I got a break. Right after we ate, I talked my husband into going to take the dog outside to go potty. As soon as he was out of the house, I ran to the bathroom. Now I just need to focus more, to keep my eye on my goal weight and to never give up.

Mommy's in town

Ugh, the time that I have been dreading for so long is now here. My mother is in town. I know most others don't quite understand, but here's the thing- this is the first time that my mother has been to "my" house in, well, ever. I moved away when I was 18 and joined the military. My first duty station was in California, and it took until the end of my 2.5 year stay there for her to come and see me- but I was in the barracks.
Now, I've been in Hawaii for 4 years and she's finally here. Part of me is excited to see her, to have a family face around me again. On the same hand, I can't stand being around her - she makes me so unsure of myself. I know that the way she brought me up has a lot to do with my ed- and now she's here, watching me. It's not even like i can just avoid eating around her- because that's what we do, we go out to eat. At the same time, it doesn't matter what I order, because it's like she's constantly watching me.
Yesterday, I was appalled. We went to Target for her to get some snacks and water bottles for her hotel room. I couldn't believe what she bought- it was all horrible and fattening food- stuff I wouldn't even consider buying. I know if I said anything to her, she'd just say that "she's on vacation", but they sure as hell don't like it if I want to eat something from back home.
I'm just confused and angry. I want to have a great relationship with my mom- I want to be able to talk to her, but I can't. It just bugs me that she's so high and mighty and I'm still this little girl on the inside that just wants her mom to be that amazing mom.
Anyway, that's my vent for today- if it's a few days, you'll know why- mommy will be gone next week.

This is what an ED feels like:

So often in this community, the common thread we all share is that no one understands what we're going through except for those people who also have eating disorders. For me, this is what having an eating disorder means:
It means that when I see myself in the mirror, I hate the reflection. There's no part of the reflection that I like whatsoever. It doesn't matter what outfit I put on, or if I do my makeup extra special- nothing will make me like that reflection.
It means that when I pass other people on the street or in the mall or at work who I feel look thin, I secretly hate them. I hate that they have smaller arms than me, I hate that their waist is smaller than me, I hate that they can look good in outfits that I don't feel like I can pull off. I hate them for having hair that's longer, or shorter, or fuller, or whatever than mine.
It means that I can't really appreciate or enjoy living on this beautiful island- because all I think about is how wonderful and fun the beach would be- but how I won't go because I can't stand the thought of wearing a bathing suit in public.
It means that when I walk through the grocery store, or through the food court at the mall, all I can think about is how much larger I will be if I eat any of that food. It also means that when I do have to eat, I can't focus on how great the food tastes, or even if it's providing my body with needed nutrients- all I can think about is how and when I can get away to purge it out of my system and rid my body of those horrible calories which will make me fatter.
Oh, and that's just the beginning of it.

What does it mean to you?

A Lot Going On

This weekend has been rough. My back is still hurting, but thankfully not as bad as earlier this week. Our house is VERY SLOWLY coming together, but there's still so much that needs to be done.
More than anything I'm just angry- at the world, with myself, at everything. I'm pissed that I wasn't able to get this house finished this week. I know it wasn't anyone's fault, if it weren't for my back going out, everything would be fine. None the less, the house is still a mess in many places and I can't stand it.
I'm angry with myself for not being able to work out and not watching what I've been eating better. I'm Mia through and through, so fasting isn't something that I've been able to do - but my back won't even allow me to bend over the toilet to purge. Everything that has gone in my mouth seems to have found another home somewhere on my body- my stomach, arms, face, everything seems bigger. I really hate that.
Tomorrow is my first day of physical therapy and my first day back to work- all of which I'm super nervous about. Usually I'd be okay, if not happy, about going to work. I like my job and I have a good time with the people I work with. More than anything I'm worried about having to sit for 8 hours tomorrow, with very little walking around and no where to lay down and relax my back.
On top of all that, my husband is leaving tomorrow afternoon for a conference and will be gone until Saturday - but my parents are coming to visit on Thursday. I really wanted my house to be perfect before they get here and now I don't see that happening.
Well, I better get going and try to finish a few more things. I finished painting the downstairs bathroom just a bit ago, and I got the kitchen cleaned today too. Now it's on to tackle the mess of boxes I call my bedroom.

Long Time No Blog

Since the last time that I was able to blog, so much has happened to me. As planned, my husband and I moved into our house. On Saturday, we got 90% of the house painted (only the edging left to do) and on Monday, all of our stuff was moved (by a moving company, thank God!). So- while I'd like to say that I haven't blogged for so long because I've been busy making my new house a perfect home, I'm sorry to say that isn't how I've spent my week.
On Tuesday morning I woke up ready to get to unpacking and putting every last item from boxes into their perfect place. At 9am, the cable company arrived and started working. While the cable guy started working, I went around the house trying to get some little things done. My back had been hurting over the last few days, so I was very careful not to lift heavy boxes, ect. My first "little thing" to get done, was to change the toilet paper roll in the downstairs bathroom, so I bent over.....then suddenly couldn't get up. I held onto the wall and the bathroom counter for a second, thinking the immense pain would pass, but when I tried to move, I ended up on the floor. I tried to call for the cable guy, but he was outside and couldn't hear me, so I crawled to the living room where I could reach my cell phone. I called my husband to come home from work and take me to the hospital, then called a friend to stay at the house with the cable guy. Well, when my hubby got home, we realized that I couldn't stand up, let alone walk to the car and sit- so I got to ride in an ambulance for the first time ever.
The hospital couldn't do anything for me but drug me up, so they shot me up with morphine and then sent me home with vicodine and strict instructions to take it easy.
So that's what I did- all day long. I sat on the couch and watched tv. That night, feeling gross, I decided I wanted to take a shower. My husband helped me up the stairs, helped me get undressed, then helped me get in the shower- at which point I assured him that I could handle it from there. Well, I was wrong. As soon as I got the shampoo in my hair, I realized that trying to scrub my head was more than I could handle. I held onto the walls of the shower and called for my husband. By the time he got upstairs, I was on my hands and knees in the tub floor. He helped me stand up and washed my hair for me- but when he went to grab me a towel, he turned around just in time to catch me as I blacked out in the tub. So- we were back to the hospital for like 7 more hours- and all they did was give me more drugs and send me home.
Now I'm home, can't move from the couch for more than about half an hour at a time and the boxes just aren't getting unpacked.
Arrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!!!

The Smaller Side of Life- back in the day

Thinspo wasn't created yesterday. Women have been trying forever to make themselves different. I wanted to look up some older pics of beautiful women- so here you go:

1910:

1920's:








The 1930's:










The 1940's:










The 1950's:

Stressed and Busy

Uh, these last two days have been rough- and it's just the beginning of what's gonna be a VERY difficult week!
These last two days I've been filling in for the other person in my office as well as doing my own job. Luckily, the work load wasn't too busy- but just being the only person in the office and dealing with everything by myself made for some very long days.
By the time I get home every night, I'm so tired and my back is killing me- so I just want to lay down - but I can't because I'm moving on Friday and have so much stuff to pack.
Tonight I came home, rested my back, then got the kitchen all set aside to go to be packed. At least that's one thing finished.
Tomorrow at work I start a 3 day class - so I'll be doing normal work in the morning and then in class until 4:30 pm everyday. Friday is going to be nuts though! I'll have my car packed on Thursday night, then I go to the housing office first thing Friday morning to get the keys and sign the last part of the lease, run over to the new house, empty my car into the garage, go to work, go to class, then back up to my old house to get another car load and my dog- then to the new house to start prepping to paint all Saturday.
Ugh. All of my stuff has to be finished being moved by Sunday, so it's gonna be a very fast week.
I do have good news though - which is also stressing me out. We'll be able to find out next week if we got pregnant this month or not. (fingers crossed, but I don't think so)

Love ya girlies!

A little Doc-ta and a little Par-tay

Ohhh, what a weekend! It was so short, and yet I feel like last Friday was a month ago! I got so much done, planning stuff out for my big move this week (picking up the keys on Friday!!), getting through a great doc's appt that I've been waiting for forever, finished my homework (and learned something, hehe), and even made it out to two friend's houses for get togethers. Whew, no wonder I'm tired.
So- the doc's appt was for my back. I finally got into see my regular doctor, who's normally totally impossible to get an appt with. He was great- I love the fact that he'll take his time during our appts and really listen to everything I need to talk about- especially since I only get to see him every so often and usually bring a list of things to discuss.
One of my favorite moments this weekend though, happened tonight. A friend of mine had a party to celebrate being done with a crappy thing (too long of story to tell). He's the only person in the world who knows about my mia, which he found out about after I got totally drunk one night and ended up spilling all of my secrets to. Well, tonight at the party, he pulled me aside and told me that if I needed to purge (it was a bbq) that I could go upstairs to the master bathroom and have plenty of privacy. It just seemed so sweet to me that he would kinda look out for me - and the fact that I have a friend who's supportive of my ed is really touching.
Well, I think it's time to go to bed. Have a wonderful day my lovilies!

Down and Out

Uh, why do I always feel like this on Fridays? I'm midly depressed, nothing that I'd need my medication for, but just enough to feel "down". It mainly started last night, my hubby diasppointed me, I had a bad dream, and tonight he informed me that we're going to a friend's house for dinner.
I've been doing so good watching what I've been eating and purging those things that I didn't want to effect my body- but still I feel huge today. I'm bloated and "poochy". The last thing that I want to do is get dressed to go out with friends. Yes, I'm excited to have some fun tonight, but I'm more in a mood to just do nothing.

I feel like I'm over thinking my life lately. I have so many things going for me- every one at work loves me and my boss (and my boss' boss) are constantly telling me how great my work is. I've been getting great opportunities at work and they're always "picking" me to do stuff- like having a luncheon with a visiting dignitary, ect. Online, I've finally found an outlet for my ED issues and it's been so great getting to know more people and truely finding out that my problems aren't only my problems and that there are others dealing with the same things.
At the same time though- the one thing I really want I can't get by myself. I want to get pregnant! I want a baby so bad! I've always wanted kids and now I've been married for almost 5 years and I'll be getting out of the military soon, so it's perfect timing. I just don't feel like my husband is as "dedicated" as I am about it. If you've read my earlier posts, you know that my husband and I are about to move back in together after about 8 months of "dating" again. This was MY week, THE week, for us to get pregnant, and he worked so late every day that we couldn't see each other afterward. I know that over-thinking it and stressing myself out will make it harder for me to get pregnant- but things are perfect right now! If we got pregnant now like I want, then our due date will be October 15- a time when there are no holidays that would "over shadow" my kid's birthday's in the future. My b-day is around Mother's Day, my little sister's is around Thanksgiving- and we both know how much it sucks when the days line up and everyone else is celebrating something else on your birthday. Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? Am I just over-thinking it?

Okay, this is long- enough complaining for tonight. I guess I need to go and get ready to go.

Letter to the Editor

In response to an article in the Elk Grove Citizen- in which they mentioned Skinny's blog directly:

Elk Grove Citizen,
While your article entitled "Starving Together" certainly addresses a very serious disease and some of the issues that go along with it, you've missed some very important points. Pro Anorexia / Pro Bulimia sites are in no way the same as Pro Ana / Pro Mia sites. Pro Ana and/or Pro Mia sites recognize that eating disorders are mental illnesses, while Pro Anorexia / Pro Bulimia sites refer to it as a "lifestyle choice". On a Pro Ana or Pro Mia site, you will not find "tips" or "tricks" relating to having an eating disorder, nor will you find out how to "get" an eating disorder. It's impossible to "catch" or "start" a mental illness. On Pro Ana or Pro Mia sites, forums, and chats, those members who are found to be under the age of 14 or found to not already have eating disorders are banned immediately. Those sites, instead, are meant as a support group for those who are already dealing with this difficult illness. In the same way that drug addicts and alcoholics have mental illnesses- a person with an eating disorder cannot enter into recovery without wanting to. However, on a Pro Ana or Pro Mia site, if a member decides to go into recovery, they are supported and encouraged. This is not the case on Pro Anorexia or Pro Bulimia sites. On those sites, forums, or chats, members who decide to go into recovery are often belittled and told that they are "weak". Anyone with an illness or problem should have somewhere they can go to talk about it. People with eating disorders are often ashamed and embarrassed for others to know, so Pro Ana or Pro Mia sites are the "safe havens" for them. Any member, manager, or director of a Pro Ana or Pro Mia site will agree with your article as it pertains to Pro Anorexia or Pro Bulimia sites - however, I think anyone will agree that everyone should have a place (even if it is on the internet) to go where they feel safe.

Connecting to the world from my bedroom

Oh, it's been a long day. I went into work early this morning to get some work done, but by noon my back wasn't having it! After a really crappy morning of having my coffee made wrong and not being able to get the doctor at work to see me (after waiting for 45 mins!!!) I made the decision to basically say "screw you Navy medical" - and went over to the clinic on the army base next door. It was such a good decision! Within 45 mins (remember, that's equal to how long I waited w/o being seen at my work) they had seen me, given me a shot of torridol, and sent me home to relax. Also, they officially said I have sciatica- an official diagnosis that I've been waiting for for a while.
Well, so I got home to lay down and my PAO girls came to the rescue so I wouldn't be bored. Between chat, getting connected on Skype, and setting up my formspring account (http://www.formspring.me/SmallerSide), I had a great day. While formspring is definitely a little childish- it's fun if anything! Hehe.
On a downside, I was a little bummed with the hubby. I thought for sure that he'd come and take care of me. Even more upsetting is that we're trying to get pregnant right now, and with my back like this and with him not here- that's certainly not happening.

But- I do have good news- I'm down another pound! Oh, and I put my weight-loss goals on the side here if you guys want to check it out. Yes, I know my BMI is higher than pretty much anyone and everyone else- but whatever- at least it's going down.

Love you guys!

2 UPs 2 DOWNs

Not that long ago I entered the world of iTunes. For some reason on my old computer I couldn't get the iTunes store to work- so I was never able to subscribe to podcasts. Well, when my hubby got me a new iPod for Christmas (my old one got zapped in the pool when i didn't close my swim case correctly) I was finally able to check out the world of podcasts. I'm studying to be a midwife, so one of the ones I subscribed to is called PregTastic- it's all pregnant women talking about their experiences plus they have guest speakers to talk about random stuff. Well, every podcast, it starts off with all the pregnant women giving 2 ups and 2 downs for their week. Here are mine....(and no, I'm not pregnant..yet)
2 UPs: I was down 2 lbs this morning! Woohoo! I'm pretty sure that that's an up in anyone's book. Second one is that I got a lot of stuff done at work today- which is just that much less that I have to do tomorrow.
2 DOWNs: My back is killing me! It was hurting last night, but by the time I got to work this morning I could barely stand up or sit down without extreme pain. Now I'm on my bed, laying on my back, doing a whole lot of nothing. Boring. My last down? Ummm, can I trade it for an up? My back hurts so bad that I don't even feel like eating! (I guess it depends on who you ask if that's an up or down).

On my back again....

Long weekends are great. Time to relax, time to spend time with the ones you love, time to get the house clean. I'm happy to say that I got all of that done this weekend- I even got some stuff packed up to move. It was great- it was a great weekend all over. I finally joined the rest of modern society and saw Avatar- a movie I didn't think I'd like at all and ended up loving! Best of all, I'm pretty sure I lost weight this weekend!
I was able to keep my mia-related-stuff under wraps pretty easily this weekend, which was a real relief. I've been taking vitamins with a lot of iron in them- which will "stop you up" pretty well, so I've got a great excuse to take my laxatives without my husband asking questions. And...what happens when you take lax's? You have to go to the bathroom more- so there was no question as to why I kept going and going in there.
Another great thing was that I was finally able to sit down and make my thinspo journal tonight. It's just a regular looking journal, so no reason for anyone to suspect anything. Even if there are times when I can't take it out and look at it, it makes me feel better knowing I have my goals written down somewhere- knowing that they are attainable.

Why Pro-Mia/Pro-Ana sites are necessary

I heard this a long time ago, and remembered it today. I thought you guys would appreciate it.

A man was walking down the street one day and fell in a hole.

Not long after, a priest walked by. "Father", the man cried out, "can you help me?". The priest wrote down a prayer for the man and threw it down the hole to him as he walked away.

A bit later, a doctor walked by. "Doctor", the man yelled, "can you help me?". The doctor wrote out a prescription for the man, threw it down the hole, and walked away.

Then, a friend walked by. "Hey Joe", the man yelled, "can you help me out of here?". The man looked down, saw how deep his friend was, and jumped to him. "What were you thinking?", the man yelled, "Now we're both stuck down here". "Yes", Joe replied, "but I've been here before and I know the way out".

Pro-Mia/ Pro-Ana sites are there so that people who've been down the same hole can connect. Plain and Simple.

Back to the closet

Another week has come and gone, it's Friday. Everyone's getting ready to go out and have a great weekend. My husband is coming over tonight to spend the weekend with me. We'll be packing up some more of my stuff to get ready to move. In two weeks I will leave my beautiful house on the river and will finally be living with the man I'm supposed to be with again. After 5 years of marriage, 2 months of separation, and 8 months of "re-dating", I should be excited about this, right?
Well, excited wouldn't exactly be the right word. Am I happy to not have to go to work tomorrow? Yes. Am I happy to spend time with my husband this weekend? Yes. Am I excited about moving into a new home with the man I love? Yes. So what's the problem, right? I'm losing one thing that I've gotten very used to over the last 10 months- privacy. When the weekend comes and we're a family again, I lose my "me time". I also lose the ability to hide my ed so well. When there's no one around during the week time, if I binge and purge- no one knows. If I choose not to eat at all, then no one knows that either.
Lately it's been fine- because I feel like if I have 5 great days, then the 2 not-perfect days on the weekend even out. Thinking about not having the privacy of my own bathroom anymore is scary.
I'm still determined though. I want to be down another 6lbs by the 26th (I have to do a weigh-in). and I'd like to be down 15lbs by February 11th (when my mom comes to visit). Those are my goals. I'm crossing my fingers now.

Epiphany

I realized last night that I hadn't really used this blog the way that I wanted to. I wanted this to be a place where I could be the real me - in comparison to the person I am with my family, at work, or just walking down the street. The person I am in public is happy, confident, organized, well-spoken, and in control. In reality, I am not that person at all. I hate the reflection in the mirror. I can't stand the way that clothes look on me and I'm angry and jealous at others who look good in theirs. I don't feel in control of my life at all. I don't know how to take a compliment from others, because I feel like they're just lying to make me feel better about something.
Then I realized that while I was telling the truth about my day on my blog- I wasn't telling the truth about myself.
It took me going out and looking at other people's blogs to realize that I wasn't the only person in my situation. There's a lot of shame that goes along with having a secret- especially when it's something as big as an eating disorder. I've owned that shame- but when it came down to it, I felt like a failure at even that. The truth that I've had a hard time coping with was that I was a fat bulimic girl. Not just fat, like I think I'm fat- I mean medically obese. After 5+ years of being in a recovery state and then hurting my hips from running, I found myself unable to work out and over 200 lbs.
At that weight, not only was I dealing with my internal feelings of hatred, I was also unhealthy. I made the decision to trade one unhealthy for another and go back to what I consider "my old friend".
I've been so ashamed for so long. First I was ashamed of my ed, then I found people that I could talk to about it. Now, I just feel ashamed of my weight. Everyone else I've found online- people who have embraced and been kind to me- make me realize how big I am. They're all dealing with the same feelings and problems I am on many levels, but when they talk about feeling their ribs and I know I can't it kills me. I stand in the mirror, looking at myself, seeing how fat I let myself become, seeing how different I am from the women I idolize. I feel like such a failure at life, even at having an ed.
I feel like I should be stronger. I wish I was more like the person people think I am.

Good Day/ Sick Day

Oh, my day- where to start? First it was bad- soooo cold outside (cold for here = 65 F) that I didn't want to get out of bed. Of course, I had no choice, so I got out and went to my scale. Then it was a good day- I'm down 2 more lbs!
Got to work- not bad. Normal for the most part- but then good. I got a very hush-hush job offer to move up the ranks- like 3 tiers up! They want me for the command level instead of department. That's like a jump from being manager to being a VP. Awesome!
So, encouraged by my two pounds I went to the gym, but could only do like half an hour before my sinus headache basically exploded. Now I'm home, sipping chicken broth and hating my nose. Argh.
I did good today though- I'm hoping for another 2 pounds tomorrow!

Grooving on the Elliptical

Woohoo, for the second day in a row I made it to the gym. I had a bunch of new music on my iPod- everything from Lady Gaga to Miley Cyrus- and was totally dancing while I did some cardio on the elliptical. What's even better? -All I've kept in my system today is a cup of coffee and a bagel. Oh, and I've got some good old Prince on my iPod now for my next gym day.
This morning, my weight was still the same- but I have good feeling about tomorrow. Plus, I got some vitamins today- so that'll start then too.
So- all in all- it's been a good day. Thank goodness too, I needed a good day after last week. On a not-so-great note- I realized that my mom will be here in less than a month. She's coming to visit for about a week. Here's the thing. I love my mom, but she's ana (secretly, but not so secretly, if you know what I mean) and it's really hard to be around her sometimes. Anything I eat is criticized. Of course, she doesn't really know (or rather chooses to forget) that I purge if I eat a lot. It's not even an issue of weight- just food. My poor husband hates it when she's around food. It's always something. No wonder my sister and I both have EDs (again, that no one talks about).
Anyway, here's to losing more weight, showing up my mom when she gets here, and rocking out to some Prince! Purple rain......

1 Week = 3 Pounds

Another week has come and gone- good, bad, fun, tiring, and all of the other possible emotions. As far as weight loss goes, I only got down 3 lbs- lame. Hubby lost 7- dang I hate men and weight loss.
As he and I talk more and more about getting pregnant, I'm more and more excited and terrified all at the same time. While I'm really excited about being a mommy and getting to decorate a nursery- I'm terrified of gaining weight and being huge- again. My goal is to actually lose weight (fat) while I'm pregnant. That way, the only weight I gain will be baby-related.
Anyway, since last week's chicken broth thing didn't work nearly as well as any strickly-mia diets I've been on, I'm done with it. Mia has always been there for me, always made me the way I want to be, and has never failed me. It just proves that I need to return to what I know.

Well, I figured out why I'm not losing weight. I was only down a few tenths of a pound this morning- then my monthly friend came to visit. I've been so tired and have hurt so bad all day that it really sucked. All I wanted to do was come home, spend time with my hubby and relax. Sounds easy, right?
Not exactly. I talked to him at 3pm. It's now 8:30 and he's just on his way. I asked him to bring some food over (cause I'm always dying for nutrients on my first day, and I consider it a freebie). So he says that he'll bring pepperoni pizza. Apparently after almost 6 years together he hasn't figured out that I don't like pepperoni. Awesome.
Do you ever feel like you're the only one that is considerate of other people? I know I do. It was just like at Christmas. I had family visiting- so I made sure that they (all 3 of them), plus my husband, plus even the dog had a nice stocking full of little gifts. No one thought to put anything in mine. Thanks guys.
I know that it's just a period pity party, but if there was ever a place I could rant, it's here. I hate feeling fat, and I hate feeling uncared for- and right now I'm feeling both.
Here's hoping to a better night.

Worried....

It's now 9:23 pm and I've only had 3 hours of sleep since 6am yesterday when I got up for work. After 8+ hours of work, I came home, collected my stuff, got the dog ready, drove 30 mins, dropped off the dog at a friend's house, went to the store to get a gift, went to a going away dinner (argh, dinners), drank too much, went to bed at 1am, got up at 4am, served aboard the USS Missouri (awesome stuff), got cleaned up, met with my mentor, picked up the dog, went to the pet store, then finally drove the 30+ minutes back home. Ohhhhh, I'm exhausted.
After last night's dinner (my friend is like the greatest cook ever), drinking, and then having a hotdog on the ship, I'm so scared about what the scale is going to read tomorrow morning. Not to mention, considering how my legs and feet feel right now after standing for like 10 hours straight, I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.
Hmmm, now it's 9:33 and the puppy and I are going to pass out. Good night all.

VOGging it up

Unfortunately, this day did not start off well at all. While many busy cities around the world have SMOG, we on this island have VOG- or volcanic ash that makes it's way from the erupting Mauna Loa volcano and floats it's way over to my house and window. I hate it! I was up early with a headache, then got up and weighed myself to find that I'd only dropped .8 lbs after my first day of my liquid diet. Lame!
I finally got into work a few hours late, and that wasn't too bad. I was happy to get a lot of things done and I did really good with not being tempted by food (even though the brownies at the coffee shop looked amazing!).
Another nice part of today was being able to be open and talk to one of my friends about my ED. I keep my ED very secret, but somehow told him about it one night when we were wasted. He's got his own secret that I keep, so I know he understands the need to be able to talk to someone. It was just nice, ya know?
Well, here's hoping that tomorrow's scale is a little better than today's. Good night all!

Friends found!

Another Monday has come and gone. I did great at work and only had liquids all day. Now I'm home and I totally ate too much- 2 cheeseburgers with avocado and mayo, and an apple with peanut butter. Granted, I got rid of all of it, but the peanut butter is killing my throat right now. It's like, I know peanut butter isn't easy to purge, but it just tastes so good so it's like I forget. Argh. So- tomorrow it's back to liquids. I'm going to beat my husband at our challenge for sure this week! Not to mention- I'm gonna look great when my mom comes!
On a great side note, i finally found a forum- a REAL forum- no fakers, no wannas, just us real ED girls. It feels great to be able to talk to others- not to mention it's great to not be the only one talking and I can just listen for a while.

Another week starts tomorrow....

Well, another weekend is done and tomorrow is Monday morning. I'm looking forward to another week- work makes it easy to "forget to eat" and the chow hall isn't exactly all that appealing. Plus, (excitingly!) I went to Costco today and bought a huge thing of chicken noodle soup and a whole case of chicken broth. My plan for this week is to only keep down those two items- anything else I eat will need to go. I've seen from friends who were sick that doctors will have them (at least) eat chicken broth, because it's a clear liquid, goes through the system faster, and the sodium is a good electrolyte to keep energy up. Best of all? There's only 20 calories per can! To make things a little easier, the week I talked my husband into a weight-loss challenge. The challenge is this- whoever looses the most weight this week wins! The loser has to do all the driving where ever we go next weekend (something neither of us want to do). Of course, he doesn't know about my alternative eating habits, but that would just cause more issues than anything else.
Anyone else want to get in on it? This morning I was still 178, so we'll see how much I can drop in a week!

It has begun!

This morning I was 178, so I'm happy that the numbers have started going down. Yesterday was a great day- I'm getting ready to move so my husband and I went to pick out paint colors and other things. We decided to go get some yummy food at California Pizza kitchen, then walked around the mall, and went to see a movie. We saw Sherlock Holmes, not to bad. The popcorn was the best!
All in all, only about a 10th of what I ate was able to have any affect on my body- so I'm saying that was the 2-3ish lb drop. I'm looking forward to seeing it go below 170 now!
So, one of the things that's great to help you stay motivated is to remind yourself why you want/need to lose the weight, right? I've got plenty of reasons! Firstly, while the rest of the world is all cuddled up in sweaters and jackets, I live in Hawaii- land of bikinis. Enough said. Secondly, my mother is coming to visit next month- my mother the size 6 who doesn't approve of any extra weight on her children and will be the first to tell me. Lastly (and, yes, I know that this is a Catch-22), my husband and I have decided to stop "being careful" and let a baby happen if God decides that it's time. I DO NOT want to be a fat prego lady!
Anyway, I've got cheese sticks waiting for me! TTFN!