The Smaller Side of Life- back in the day

Thinspo wasn't created yesterday. Women have been trying forever to make themselves different. I wanted to look up some older pics of beautiful women- so here you go:

1910:

1920's:








The 1930's:










The 1940's:










The 1950's:

Stressed and Busy

Uh, these last two days have been rough- and it's just the beginning of what's gonna be a VERY difficult week!
These last two days I've been filling in for the other person in my office as well as doing my own job. Luckily, the work load wasn't too busy- but just being the only person in the office and dealing with everything by myself made for some very long days.
By the time I get home every night, I'm so tired and my back is killing me- so I just want to lay down - but I can't because I'm moving on Friday and have so much stuff to pack.
Tonight I came home, rested my back, then got the kitchen all set aside to go to be packed. At least that's one thing finished.
Tomorrow at work I start a 3 day class - so I'll be doing normal work in the morning and then in class until 4:30 pm everyday. Friday is going to be nuts though! I'll have my car packed on Thursday night, then I go to the housing office first thing Friday morning to get the keys and sign the last part of the lease, run over to the new house, empty my car into the garage, go to work, go to class, then back up to my old house to get another car load and my dog- then to the new house to start prepping to paint all Saturday.
Ugh. All of my stuff has to be finished being moved by Sunday, so it's gonna be a very fast week.
I do have good news though - which is also stressing me out. We'll be able to find out next week if we got pregnant this month or not. (fingers crossed, but I don't think so)

Love ya girlies!

A little Doc-ta and a little Par-tay

Ohhh, what a weekend! It was so short, and yet I feel like last Friday was a month ago! I got so much done, planning stuff out for my big move this week (picking up the keys on Friday!!), getting through a great doc's appt that I've been waiting for forever, finished my homework (and learned something, hehe), and even made it out to two friend's houses for get togethers. Whew, no wonder I'm tired.
So- the doc's appt was for my back. I finally got into see my regular doctor, who's normally totally impossible to get an appt with. He was great- I love the fact that he'll take his time during our appts and really listen to everything I need to talk about- especially since I only get to see him every so often and usually bring a list of things to discuss.
One of my favorite moments this weekend though, happened tonight. A friend of mine had a party to celebrate being done with a crappy thing (too long of story to tell). He's the only person in the world who knows about my mia, which he found out about after I got totally drunk one night and ended up spilling all of my secrets to. Well, tonight at the party, he pulled me aside and told me that if I needed to purge (it was a bbq) that I could go upstairs to the master bathroom and have plenty of privacy. It just seemed so sweet to me that he would kinda look out for me - and the fact that I have a friend who's supportive of my ed is really touching.
Well, I think it's time to go to bed. Have a wonderful day my lovilies!

Down and Out

Uh, why do I always feel like this on Fridays? I'm midly depressed, nothing that I'd need my medication for, but just enough to feel "down". It mainly started last night, my hubby diasppointed me, I had a bad dream, and tonight he informed me that we're going to a friend's house for dinner.
I've been doing so good watching what I've been eating and purging those things that I didn't want to effect my body- but still I feel huge today. I'm bloated and "poochy". The last thing that I want to do is get dressed to go out with friends. Yes, I'm excited to have some fun tonight, but I'm more in a mood to just do nothing.

I feel like I'm over thinking my life lately. I have so many things going for me- every one at work loves me and my boss (and my boss' boss) are constantly telling me how great my work is. I've been getting great opportunities at work and they're always "picking" me to do stuff- like having a luncheon with a visiting dignitary, ect. Online, I've finally found an outlet for my ED issues and it's been so great getting to know more people and truely finding out that my problems aren't only my problems and that there are others dealing with the same things.
At the same time though- the one thing I really want I can't get by myself. I want to get pregnant! I want a baby so bad! I've always wanted kids and now I've been married for almost 5 years and I'll be getting out of the military soon, so it's perfect timing. I just don't feel like my husband is as "dedicated" as I am about it. If you've read my earlier posts, you know that my husband and I are about to move back in together after about 8 months of "dating" again. This was MY week, THE week, for us to get pregnant, and he worked so late every day that we couldn't see each other afterward. I know that over-thinking it and stressing myself out will make it harder for me to get pregnant- but things are perfect right now! If we got pregnant now like I want, then our due date will be October 15- a time when there are no holidays that would "over shadow" my kid's birthday's in the future. My b-day is around Mother's Day, my little sister's is around Thanksgiving- and we both know how much it sucks when the days line up and everyone else is celebrating something else on your birthday. Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? Am I just over-thinking it?

Okay, this is long- enough complaining for tonight. I guess I need to go and get ready to go.

Letter to the Editor

In response to an article in the Elk Grove Citizen- in which they mentioned Skinny's blog directly:

Elk Grove Citizen,
While your article entitled "Starving Together" certainly addresses a very serious disease and some of the issues that go along with it, you've missed some very important points. Pro Anorexia / Pro Bulimia sites are in no way the same as Pro Ana / Pro Mia sites. Pro Ana and/or Pro Mia sites recognize that eating disorders are mental illnesses, while Pro Anorexia / Pro Bulimia sites refer to it as a "lifestyle choice". On a Pro Ana or Pro Mia site, you will not find "tips" or "tricks" relating to having an eating disorder, nor will you find out how to "get" an eating disorder. It's impossible to "catch" or "start" a mental illness. On Pro Ana or Pro Mia sites, forums, and chats, those members who are found to be under the age of 14 or found to not already have eating disorders are banned immediately. Those sites, instead, are meant as a support group for those who are already dealing with this difficult illness. In the same way that drug addicts and alcoholics have mental illnesses- a person with an eating disorder cannot enter into recovery without wanting to. However, on a Pro Ana or Pro Mia site, if a member decides to go into recovery, they are supported and encouraged. This is not the case on Pro Anorexia or Pro Bulimia sites. On those sites, forums, or chats, members who decide to go into recovery are often belittled and told that they are "weak". Anyone with an illness or problem should have somewhere they can go to talk about it. People with eating disorders are often ashamed and embarrassed for others to know, so Pro Ana or Pro Mia sites are the "safe havens" for them. Any member, manager, or director of a Pro Ana or Pro Mia site will agree with your article as it pertains to Pro Anorexia or Pro Bulimia sites - however, I think anyone will agree that everyone should have a place (even if it is on the internet) to go where they feel safe.

Connecting to the world from my bedroom

Oh, it's been a long day. I went into work early this morning to get some work done, but by noon my back wasn't having it! After a really crappy morning of having my coffee made wrong and not being able to get the doctor at work to see me (after waiting for 45 mins!!!) I made the decision to basically say "screw you Navy medical" - and went over to the clinic on the army base next door. It was such a good decision! Within 45 mins (remember, that's equal to how long I waited w/o being seen at my work) they had seen me, given me a shot of torridol, and sent me home to relax. Also, they officially said I have sciatica- an official diagnosis that I've been waiting for for a while.
Well, so I got home to lay down and my PAO girls came to the rescue so I wouldn't be bored. Between chat, getting connected on Skype, and setting up my formspring account (http://www.formspring.me/SmallerSide), I had a great day. While formspring is definitely a little childish- it's fun if anything! Hehe.
On a downside, I was a little bummed with the hubby. I thought for sure that he'd come and take care of me. Even more upsetting is that we're trying to get pregnant right now, and with my back like this and with him not here- that's certainly not happening.

But- I do have good news- I'm down another pound! Oh, and I put my weight-loss goals on the side here if you guys want to check it out. Yes, I know my BMI is higher than pretty much anyone and everyone else- but whatever- at least it's going down.

Love you guys!

2 UPs 2 DOWNs

Not that long ago I entered the world of iTunes. For some reason on my old computer I couldn't get the iTunes store to work- so I was never able to subscribe to podcasts. Well, when my hubby got me a new iPod for Christmas (my old one got zapped in the pool when i didn't close my swim case correctly) I was finally able to check out the world of podcasts. I'm studying to be a midwife, so one of the ones I subscribed to is called PregTastic- it's all pregnant women talking about their experiences plus they have guest speakers to talk about random stuff. Well, every podcast, it starts off with all the pregnant women giving 2 ups and 2 downs for their week. Here are mine....(and no, I'm not pregnant..yet)
2 UPs: I was down 2 lbs this morning! Woohoo! I'm pretty sure that that's an up in anyone's book. Second one is that I got a lot of stuff done at work today- which is just that much less that I have to do tomorrow.
2 DOWNs: My back is killing me! It was hurting last night, but by the time I got to work this morning I could barely stand up or sit down without extreme pain. Now I'm on my bed, laying on my back, doing a whole lot of nothing. Boring. My last down? Ummm, can I trade it for an up? My back hurts so bad that I don't even feel like eating! (I guess it depends on who you ask if that's an up or down).

On my back again....

Long weekends are great. Time to relax, time to spend time with the ones you love, time to get the house clean. I'm happy to say that I got all of that done this weekend- I even got some stuff packed up to move. It was great- it was a great weekend all over. I finally joined the rest of modern society and saw Avatar- a movie I didn't think I'd like at all and ended up loving! Best of all, I'm pretty sure I lost weight this weekend!
I was able to keep my mia-related-stuff under wraps pretty easily this weekend, which was a real relief. I've been taking vitamins with a lot of iron in them- which will "stop you up" pretty well, so I've got a great excuse to take my laxatives without my husband asking questions. And...what happens when you take lax's? You have to go to the bathroom more- so there was no question as to why I kept going and going in there.
Another great thing was that I was finally able to sit down and make my thinspo journal tonight. It's just a regular looking journal, so no reason for anyone to suspect anything. Even if there are times when I can't take it out and look at it, it makes me feel better knowing I have my goals written down somewhere- knowing that they are attainable.

Why Pro-Mia/Pro-Ana sites are necessary

I heard this a long time ago, and remembered it today. I thought you guys would appreciate it.

A man was walking down the street one day and fell in a hole.

Not long after, a priest walked by. "Father", the man cried out, "can you help me?". The priest wrote down a prayer for the man and threw it down the hole to him as he walked away.

A bit later, a doctor walked by. "Doctor", the man yelled, "can you help me?". The doctor wrote out a prescription for the man, threw it down the hole, and walked away.

Then, a friend walked by. "Hey Joe", the man yelled, "can you help me out of here?". The man looked down, saw how deep his friend was, and jumped to him. "What were you thinking?", the man yelled, "Now we're both stuck down here". "Yes", Joe replied, "but I've been here before and I know the way out".

Pro-Mia/ Pro-Ana sites are there so that people who've been down the same hole can connect. Plain and Simple.

Back to the closet

Another week has come and gone, it's Friday. Everyone's getting ready to go out and have a great weekend. My husband is coming over tonight to spend the weekend with me. We'll be packing up some more of my stuff to get ready to move. In two weeks I will leave my beautiful house on the river and will finally be living with the man I'm supposed to be with again. After 5 years of marriage, 2 months of separation, and 8 months of "re-dating", I should be excited about this, right?
Well, excited wouldn't exactly be the right word. Am I happy to not have to go to work tomorrow? Yes. Am I happy to spend time with my husband this weekend? Yes. Am I excited about moving into a new home with the man I love? Yes. So what's the problem, right? I'm losing one thing that I've gotten very used to over the last 10 months- privacy. When the weekend comes and we're a family again, I lose my "me time". I also lose the ability to hide my ed so well. When there's no one around during the week time, if I binge and purge- no one knows. If I choose not to eat at all, then no one knows that either.
Lately it's been fine- because I feel like if I have 5 great days, then the 2 not-perfect days on the weekend even out. Thinking about not having the privacy of my own bathroom anymore is scary.
I'm still determined though. I want to be down another 6lbs by the 26th (I have to do a weigh-in). and I'd like to be down 15lbs by February 11th (when my mom comes to visit). Those are my goals. I'm crossing my fingers now.

Epiphany

I realized last night that I hadn't really used this blog the way that I wanted to. I wanted this to be a place where I could be the real me - in comparison to the person I am with my family, at work, or just walking down the street. The person I am in public is happy, confident, organized, well-spoken, and in control. In reality, I am not that person at all. I hate the reflection in the mirror. I can't stand the way that clothes look on me and I'm angry and jealous at others who look good in theirs. I don't feel in control of my life at all. I don't know how to take a compliment from others, because I feel like they're just lying to make me feel better about something.
Then I realized that while I was telling the truth about my day on my blog- I wasn't telling the truth about myself.
It took me going out and looking at other people's blogs to realize that I wasn't the only person in my situation. There's a lot of shame that goes along with having a secret- especially when it's something as big as an eating disorder. I've owned that shame- but when it came down to it, I felt like a failure at even that. The truth that I've had a hard time coping with was that I was a fat bulimic girl. Not just fat, like I think I'm fat- I mean medically obese. After 5+ years of being in a recovery state and then hurting my hips from running, I found myself unable to work out and over 200 lbs.
At that weight, not only was I dealing with my internal feelings of hatred, I was also unhealthy. I made the decision to trade one unhealthy for another and go back to what I consider "my old friend".
I've been so ashamed for so long. First I was ashamed of my ed, then I found people that I could talk to about it. Now, I just feel ashamed of my weight. Everyone else I've found online- people who have embraced and been kind to me- make me realize how big I am. They're all dealing with the same feelings and problems I am on many levels, but when they talk about feeling their ribs and I know I can't it kills me. I stand in the mirror, looking at myself, seeing how fat I let myself become, seeing how different I am from the women I idolize. I feel like such a failure at life, even at having an ed.
I feel like I should be stronger. I wish I was more like the person people think I am.

Good Day/ Sick Day

Oh, my day- where to start? First it was bad- soooo cold outside (cold for here = 65 F) that I didn't want to get out of bed. Of course, I had no choice, so I got out and went to my scale. Then it was a good day- I'm down 2 more lbs!
Got to work- not bad. Normal for the most part- but then good. I got a very hush-hush job offer to move up the ranks- like 3 tiers up! They want me for the command level instead of department. That's like a jump from being manager to being a VP. Awesome!
So, encouraged by my two pounds I went to the gym, but could only do like half an hour before my sinus headache basically exploded. Now I'm home, sipping chicken broth and hating my nose. Argh.
I did good today though- I'm hoping for another 2 pounds tomorrow!

Grooving on the Elliptical

Woohoo, for the second day in a row I made it to the gym. I had a bunch of new music on my iPod- everything from Lady Gaga to Miley Cyrus- and was totally dancing while I did some cardio on the elliptical. What's even better? -All I've kept in my system today is a cup of coffee and a bagel. Oh, and I've got some good old Prince on my iPod now for my next gym day.
This morning, my weight was still the same- but I have good feeling about tomorrow. Plus, I got some vitamins today- so that'll start then too.
So- all in all- it's been a good day. Thank goodness too, I needed a good day after last week. On a not-so-great note- I realized that my mom will be here in less than a month. She's coming to visit for about a week. Here's the thing. I love my mom, but she's ana (secretly, but not so secretly, if you know what I mean) and it's really hard to be around her sometimes. Anything I eat is criticized. Of course, she doesn't really know (or rather chooses to forget) that I purge if I eat a lot. It's not even an issue of weight- just food. My poor husband hates it when she's around food. It's always something. No wonder my sister and I both have EDs (again, that no one talks about).
Anyway, here's to losing more weight, showing up my mom when she gets here, and rocking out to some Prince! Purple rain......

1 Week = 3 Pounds

Another week has come and gone- good, bad, fun, tiring, and all of the other possible emotions. As far as weight loss goes, I only got down 3 lbs- lame. Hubby lost 7- dang I hate men and weight loss.
As he and I talk more and more about getting pregnant, I'm more and more excited and terrified all at the same time. While I'm really excited about being a mommy and getting to decorate a nursery- I'm terrified of gaining weight and being huge- again. My goal is to actually lose weight (fat) while I'm pregnant. That way, the only weight I gain will be baby-related.
Anyway, since last week's chicken broth thing didn't work nearly as well as any strickly-mia diets I've been on, I'm done with it. Mia has always been there for me, always made me the way I want to be, and has never failed me. It just proves that I need to return to what I know.

Well, I figured out why I'm not losing weight. I was only down a few tenths of a pound this morning- then my monthly friend came to visit. I've been so tired and have hurt so bad all day that it really sucked. All I wanted to do was come home, spend time with my hubby and relax. Sounds easy, right?
Not exactly. I talked to him at 3pm. It's now 8:30 and he's just on his way. I asked him to bring some food over (cause I'm always dying for nutrients on my first day, and I consider it a freebie). So he says that he'll bring pepperoni pizza. Apparently after almost 6 years together he hasn't figured out that I don't like pepperoni. Awesome.
Do you ever feel like you're the only one that is considerate of other people? I know I do. It was just like at Christmas. I had family visiting- so I made sure that they (all 3 of them), plus my husband, plus even the dog had a nice stocking full of little gifts. No one thought to put anything in mine. Thanks guys.
I know that it's just a period pity party, but if there was ever a place I could rant, it's here. I hate feeling fat, and I hate feeling uncared for- and right now I'm feeling both.
Here's hoping to a better night.

Worried....

It's now 9:23 pm and I've only had 3 hours of sleep since 6am yesterday when I got up for work. After 8+ hours of work, I came home, collected my stuff, got the dog ready, drove 30 mins, dropped off the dog at a friend's house, went to the store to get a gift, went to a going away dinner (argh, dinners), drank too much, went to bed at 1am, got up at 4am, served aboard the USS Missouri (awesome stuff), got cleaned up, met with my mentor, picked up the dog, went to the pet store, then finally drove the 30+ minutes back home. Ohhhhh, I'm exhausted.
After last night's dinner (my friend is like the greatest cook ever), drinking, and then having a hotdog on the ship, I'm so scared about what the scale is going to read tomorrow morning. Not to mention, considering how my legs and feet feel right now after standing for like 10 hours straight, I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.
Hmmm, now it's 9:33 and the puppy and I are going to pass out. Good night all.

VOGging it up

Unfortunately, this day did not start off well at all. While many busy cities around the world have SMOG, we on this island have VOG- or volcanic ash that makes it's way from the erupting Mauna Loa volcano and floats it's way over to my house and window. I hate it! I was up early with a headache, then got up and weighed myself to find that I'd only dropped .8 lbs after my first day of my liquid diet. Lame!
I finally got into work a few hours late, and that wasn't too bad. I was happy to get a lot of things done and I did really good with not being tempted by food (even though the brownies at the coffee shop looked amazing!).
Another nice part of today was being able to be open and talk to one of my friends about my ED. I keep my ED very secret, but somehow told him about it one night when we were wasted. He's got his own secret that I keep, so I know he understands the need to be able to talk to someone. It was just nice, ya know?
Well, here's hoping that tomorrow's scale is a little better than today's. Good night all!

Friends found!

Another Monday has come and gone. I did great at work and only had liquids all day. Now I'm home and I totally ate too much- 2 cheeseburgers with avocado and mayo, and an apple with peanut butter. Granted, I got rid of all of it, but the peanut butter is killing my throat right now. It's like, I know peanut butter isn't easy to purge, but it just tastes so good so it's like I forget. Argh. So- tomorrow it's back to liquids. I'm going to beat my husband at our challenge for sure this week! Not to mention- I'm gonna look great when my mom comes!
On a great side note, i finally found a forum- a REAL forum- no fakers, no wannas, just us real ED girls. It feels great to be able to talk to others- not to mention it's great to not be the only one talking and I can just listen for a while.

Another week starts tomorrow....

Well, another weekend is done and tomorrow is Monday morning. I'm looking forward to another week- work makes it easy to "forget to eat" and the chow hall isn't exactly all that appealing. Plus, (excitingly!) I went to Costco today and bought a huge thing of chicken noodle soup and a whole case of chicken broth. My plan for this week is to only keep down those two items- anything else I eat will need to go. I've seen from friends who were sick that doctors will have them (at least) eat chicken broth, because it's a clear liquid, goes through the system faster, and the sodium is a good electrolyte to keep energy up. Best of all? There's only 20 calories per can! To make things a little easier, the week I talked my husband into a weight-loss challenge. The challenge is this- whoever looses the most weight this week wins! The loser has to do all the driving where ever we go next weekend (something neither of us want to do). Of course, he doesn't know about my alternative eating habits, but that would just cause more issues than anything else.
Anyone else want to get in on it? This morning I was still 178, so we'll see how much I can drop in a week!

It has begun!

This morning I was 178, so I'm happy that the numbers have started going down. Yesterday was a great day- I'm getting ready to move so my husband and I went to pick out paint colors and other things. We decided to go get some yummy food at California Pizza kitchen, then walked around the mall, and went to see a movie. We saw Sherlock Holmes, not to bad. The popcorn was the best!
All in all, only about a 10th of what I ate was able to have any affect on my body- so I'm saying that was the 2-3ish lb drop. I'm looking forward to seeing it go below 170 now!
So, one of the things that's great to help you stay motivated is to remind yourself why you want/need to lose the weight, right? I've got plenty of reasons! Firstly, while the rest of the world is all cuddled up in sweaters and jackets, I live in Hawaii- land of bikinis. Enough said. Secondly, my mother is coming to visit next month- my mother the size 6 who doesn't approve of any extra weight on her children and will be the first to tell me. Lastly (and, yes, I know that this is a Catch-22), my husband and I have decided to stop "being careful" and let a baby happen if God decides that it's time. I DO NOT want to be a fat prego lady!
Anyway, I've got cheese sticks waiting for me! TTFN!