I realized last night that I hadn't really used this blog the way that I wanted to. I wanted this to be a place where I could be the real me - in comparison to the person I am with my family, at work, or just walking down the street. The person I am in public is happy, confident, organized, well-spoken, and in control. In reality, I am not that person at all. I hate the reflection in the mirror. I can't stand the way that clothes look on me and I'm angry and jealous at others who look good in theirs. I don't feel in control of my life at all. I don't know how to take a compliment from others, because I feel like they're just lying to make me feel better about something.
Then I realized that while I was telling the truth about my day on my blog- I wasn't telling the truth about myself.
It took me going out and looking at other people's blogs to realize that I wasn't the only person in my situation. There's a lot of shame that goes along with having a secret- especially when it's something as big as an eating disorder. I've owned that shame- but when it came down to it, I felt like a failure at even that. The truth that I've had a hard time coping with was that I was a fat bulimic girl. Not just fat, like I think I'm fat- I mean medically obese. After 5+ years of being in a recovery state and then hurting my hips from running, I found myself unable to work out and over 200 lbs.
At that weight, not only was I dealing with my internal feelings of hatred, I was also unhealthy. I made the decision to trade one unhealthy for another and go back to what I consider "my old friend".
I've been so ashamed for so long. First I was ashamed of my ed, then I found people that I could talk to about it. Now, I just feel ashamed of my weight. Everyone else I've found online- people who have embraced and been kind to me- make me realize how big I am. They're all dealing with the same feelings and problems I am on many levels, but when they talk about feeling their ribs and I know I can't it kills me. I stand in the mirror, looking at myself, seeing how fat I let myself become, seeing how different I am from the women I idolize. I feel like such a failure at life, even at having an ed.
I feel like I should be stronger. I wish I was more like the person people think I am.
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I'm 29. Have a 2 yr old at home. Am practically married, although not legally (we've been together 9 years). I've struggled with weight my entire life, even as a pre-adolescent. I found (after my pregnancy and all the weight gain that came with it) that urge to control my eating again. I knew, during my pregnancy, it may be a problem, but I thought I could handle it. But then, at 170 lbs once I delivered, my weight shocked me. I freaked out completely once I finished nursing my daughter after a full year and then went on a couple of fasts. Started binging/purging constantly. Even at night, when my fiance was home from work. He knew what I was doing, even though I attempted to hide it so well. I lost 40 lbs rather quickly during the rest of the year and eventually I got down to 120. But then... I don't know what happened... I gained 15 back. I wasn't as determined as I had been in my teens. It almost seems harder... because I have a family. I have a daughter now. I don't want her seeing me in this state. I don't want her seeing me restrict. But then at the same time, I do not want to be so enormous. I want to know I can stay small. I've always needed to be small. Its so conflicting. Being an adult and a mother and a wife with ED. It's insane. I don't think the young girls realize how easy they have it. Anywho, out of all the blogs I've read.... yours is the only one I've felt some sort of connection to. Hang in there. Stay motivated and you'll reach your true wants and needs. No matter what it is you want.
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