So often in this community, the common thread we all share is that no one understands what we're going through except for those people who also have eating disorders. For me, this is what having an eating disorder means:
It means that when I see myself in the mirror, I hate the reflection. There's no part of the reflection that I like whatsoever. It doesn't matter what outfit I put on, or if I do my makeup extra special- nothing will make me like that reflection.
It means that when I pass other people on the street or in the mall or at work who I feel look thin, I secretly hate them. I hate that they have smaller arms than me, I hate that their waist is smaller than me, I hate that they can look good in outfits that I don't feel like I can pull off. I hate them for having hair that's longer, or shorter, or fuller, or whatever than mine.
It means that I can't really appreciate or enjoy living on this beautiful island- because all I think about is how wonderful and fun the beach would be- but how I won't go because I can't stand the thought of wearing a bathing suit in public.
It means that when I walk through the grocery store, or through the food court at the mall, all I can think about is how much larger I will be if I eat any of that food. It also means that when I do have to eat, I can't focus on how great the food tastes, or even if it's providing my body with needed nutrients- all I can think about is how and when I can get away to purge it out of my system and rid my body of those horrible calories which will make me fatter.
Oh, and that's just the beginning of it.
What does it mean to you?
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ReplyDeletei guess, for me personally, having ED means never being truly happy with myself. no matter what happens or no matter how much my life changes, ED will always be a part of me. i'm almost 30 and i am still struggling with an inherent need to be... better. it's a constant battle with myself. and it appears in the form of a messed up relationship with food. i know now that i will always be hungry. i will always want food. and i will always despise myself for it. i will always feel fat and disgusting. i will always look at other girls and tear them apart with my thoughts or envy them ridiculously. whatever. there is no ending ED with me. there is no satiating my need to manipulate my food intake. it's been this way since i was 12 or younger, i'm not sure the exact age. ED is never trusting what others say about your form. ED is never trusting yourself. ED is crazy.
ReplyDelete"I'm not good enough", I chant it in my head constantly. I just want to fade away.
ReplyDeleteI am free in the control I feel when I refuse to eat.
I have such a desperation to get my BMI in the 15's, I convince myself that I'll be "fixed" if i am only thin enough... But I'm never thin enough. I am constantly fat.
I am ill in more ways than one.