Pissed and in Pain

Yesterday, I had a little procedure done at the hospital. They gave me two cortizone injections into my spine - for which, in turn, they gave me two days off of work to relax and let the medication work it's job. My husband seems to have had other things in mind.
Although I had repeatedly told him how much I was looking forward to finally being able to sleep in this morning (I had school and work over the weekenend), it didn't seem to matter much. When I asked him to take the dogs out this morning for me, he made it very clear that he didn't have the time and that I was going to have to get up and do it myself - also knowing that I'm one of those people that once I get up, there's no way I'll ever get back to sleep. So, I took them out- and then (since he was running so late), he found the time to yell at me for being lazy and not getting the house cleaned or the laundry done fast enough - although I'm sure he meant "for not cleaning and doing the laundry in the 3 minutes a day that your back isn't in excruciating pain". Whatever.
So, I've done a few loads of laundry, re-organized the pantry, cleaned our bedroom, ect- a short list, but you have to understand that I was without power for 3 hours and couldn't vaccuum and stuff. Hope this pleases his majesty.

Finding Myself

Usually I feel like I'm living two different lives- but lately, I feel like I've been living like 4 of them. Obviously, there's the weight-obsessed/ where can I find a bathroom life that only people who know me as "Smaller" can either know about or understand. Then there's the workaholic - where at work I'm known as the super-organized super-all together person who has everything under control at all times. Then, at home, when it's just me and the hubby, I'm the lazy watch-tv girl. At home, when we have friends over, I'm the Martha Stewart of the bunch. Oh, and lets not forget the golden granddaughter, successful daughter, straight-A student, ect ect. I feel like the all the different personalities I've created for myself are not crushing me.
I really think that's one of the reasons I haven't been on here as much lately, it's just another person that I sometimes don't have time to be.
Today, I woke up and I just knew I couldn't get through work today. Long story short, I called in sick so that I could just sit back and relax. The problem is, when you play all of these different roles- I'm not sure who I am when I'm by myself.

An A in Math?

The funniest joke I've heard in a long time? The fact that I passed my math class, and got an A at that. Who'da thunk it!?!
So, other than that I'm sorry for being MIA for so long- the sad truth though is that I really just don't have much to talk about. I've been going to work and then just coming straight home to lay down (on my back again...)and rest my aching back. On a good note, I've really been doing well with my food intake (/outtake :) )I've been marking my weight down every morning onto my calendar and I'm happy to say that every day it's been down a little. Of course, it's only a very little, but I'll take what I can get- usually like 4/10ths of a lb.
Anyway, sorry this is so lame, but really that's all I've got going on. Send me some ideas for more thinspo! Love you guys!

La De Da

Well, I'm happy to report that life is still at least going okay since my last post. I'm not saying that everything has been hunky-dory, but it hasn't been horrible.
Saturday, I finished my ten week math class and took my final. I was happy to find that my final exam was only 20 questions, and they were all multiple choice! Who ever gets a multiple choice test in math? It was great. Another good thing was that I was able to get through the test - because my back probably wouldn't have lasted for the 50+ question I was expecting.
Immediately after the test, I went home and my hubby took me straight to the ER (just as I had "scheduled" it for the day). After a few hours, they finally got around to giving me some dilotin (sp?) which according to the nurse is something like 10x stronger than morphine. After that, I wasn't feeling much of anything, let alone pain shooting down my legs :)
Okay, so last little bit of cool news, I've been going to this one college for a while just because they have a really easy-going online school. I was planning on transferring this fall to another school for nursing- but now, it turns out that the school I've been going to will be opening their nursing program this fall. Perfect timing!
So, last but not least- today. My back was just as bad as the day I threw it out, so that just kinda sucks. What'cha gonna do though right?

Normalicity

For the first time in weeks, I'm feeling like my life is coming back to a state of normal. The pain of the miscarriage is passing and I'm starting to give in to future hopes of children again. Our new puppy is bringing joy to our family the same way that her sister did before her, and work is something I look forward to everyday. In fact, at work, I've been receivng more and more praise lately and it means a lot to me to feel like I can at least be the best at something, even if it is just work.
I also haven't weighted myself in like a week, but i'm pretty sure that I haven't gained. Nothing is fitting any differently. At first it was really hard for me not to run into the scale, but as a few days passed I realized I was becoming more and more relaxed. Hehe, funny part of that is that I can't wait to go back on the scale tomorrow morning (my timeline that i had given myself). In fact, i've got a new plan..hehe...evil grin. I bought a calendar- a cute one with shoes on it. I've got it hung up on the wall in the storage closet right above my scaled. Every day I'll be writing my weight on the calendar, that way I can see how my weight will fluctuate throughout the week and month. Oh, and I'll have my thinspo hidden in a box in the closet too!
Oh, for once I feel like my life is moving forward in a good way. I really hope this feeling lasts, at least throughout the week. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

For the record....

yes, we lost the baby, but it didn't have to do with my ED. I know there are people who are going to read this blog and think "how can she be surprised when she's doing that to her body". For the record, as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was worried about the weight gain, but shortly after I realized that a healthy baby was more important to me than my weight. I could always lose it after. During the weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I ate perfectly healthy; fruits, veggies, lots of water, and light exercise.
So, if you're of the impression that I did this to myself and my family- Screw You! If you knew anything about me, you'd know that my love of children will always outweigh my self-esteem and body image issues.

The world seems to be against me

My life feels like a horrible country western song. First, last month I threw out my back. Then, last week our puppy died. I thought things were finally looking up when after months of trying my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first child. Well, when it rains it pours and it's obvious that God is punishing me for something.
I woke up this morning to find that I had a miscarriage. I spent four hours at the hospital, and although the doctor was really sweet, it took all I had not to lose it in front of everyone there.
I hate being emotional in front of people. I hate people knowing what's going on in my head at all. It was so hard to walk out of the hospital, let alone the ob area, seeing women everywhere either pregnant or with their newborn babies. I just wanted to stand up and tell them all how I hated them and that they weren't any better than I am just because they were able to keep their pregnancies and hold their babies in their hands.
That's why I love blogging so much. I can say the things here that I can't say out in public without feeling like a crazy person. So, in the spirit of saying all the things on here that I can't say in public, here it goes: I hate you skinny people, I hate you pregnant ladies, and I hate that I'm not you.
Well, they say that bad things happen in three's, so here's to hoping this is the end of the bad stuff for me.